 by Barbara Milligan
Would you like some help with your anxiety? I suddenly felt naked. And ashamed, like Adam and Eve in the garden, after they tasted the forbidden fruit. I wanted to hide under my desk. It wasn’t an audible voice, but a kind, gentle voice that I felt deep in my bones. And it sure wasn’t from me. I had asked the God who I believe in, who I also call Love, what I could focus on for the upcoming Lenten season. I was expecting a response—much later, not 5 minutes later—that was a bit safer, like finding new ways to pray or to love my neighbors. I did not feel ready to face a part of me that had been my lifelong companion. My whispered response surprised me. Is it really that bad? Instantly, my inner critic popped up and rolled her eyes. Oh, Barbara. That was pathetic. I had to agree. I was trying to hide the truth from myself and from the God who loves me and knows everything about me. I felt even more ashamed. Then I heard the first voice again. Would you like to be more free? I exhaled deeply. The anxiety was affecting my relationships, as well as creating conflicts within me, and trying harder to control it wasn’t working. I was trying to control the uncontrollable. And I needed God’s help. I also needed to reject my mother’s frequent, well-meaning advice to my three- and four-year-old self: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” My main fear about accepting God’s invitation to freedom was that the healing process would hurt. That fear was mostly irrational, because I’d already had many experiences in which God had lovingly healed childhood traumas, and the freedom I had experienced as a result was well worth facing the pain. So why would I not trust Love again now? I still don’t know the answer to that question, but I finally said yes. Yes, I want to be more free. Yes, I want your help with my anxiety. Yes, I choose to trust you to heal me. Yes, I’m willing to be changed. Yes, I believe you’ll be with me every moment, as you have been in the past. My God, my Love, help my unbelief. Although I can’t remember just how God began to heal me—the process, after many years, isn’t complete—I’m grateful to God for the gift of courage to come out of hiding and denial and to say yes. It was the start of becoming more free. * What would you like help with from God, or Love, or the Holy beyond yourself, although you haven’t asked for it? * What holds you back? * What might it be like for you to tell this Holy One about what is holding you back? |